Energy does not die, it simply transforms. Life is born into life over and over. Do not fear the transition. Perpetuate trust. Welcome the souls' journey. Surrender.
I just returned from a memorial service of a man who lived his life fully. The family decided to hold the services today, what would have been his 87th birthday. I can't really English anything at the moment as my head is full of thoughts and in processing mode. What I can say is that everything... every person, every kindness, every moment is a fiber in this wonderful tapestry of life. I just want to hug all the people in my life and tell them that I love them. I'm tired. I will write what I can translate from my heart and head tomorrow afternoon... after work. 4am comes quicly and the cold sheets are calling me. I didn't take a photo today but was reminded many times of the photo I am posting. It is the card of Transformation from the Wisdom of the Crone deck. To all the wonderful friends I've met through My Sacred Life and Sacred Life Sunday... I send warm thoughts and blessings. What a beautiful gift to meet and share with amazing people... talk about beautiful colors in a tapestry. Love and hugs... peace and gratitude... Jx
I strongly believe that the animals in our lives come not only to fulfil our lives and open our eyes to unconditional love and compassion but also as guardians of spirit. Spike came at a time in my life that I felt very different and lonely. I was asked what I wanted for my birthday and I answered, as I had for months, a dog. My parents, knowing I was having difficulty adjusting from our move from Illinois to CA felt deeply for me and without the landlords knowledge, agreed we should have a dog. I remember going to Kimberly Pet Shop and running to the backroom where the kennels were. I recall this little black bundle with a crazed tail, "LOOK AT ME" yap yap yap, the warmest brown eyes and claws that clanked on the metal floor with h excited step as the owner of the shop unlatched the door and scooped him up in her arms. For a moment the world seemed to not exist... just this tiny bundle of energy and excitement that wriggled happily in my arms. Once we arrived home, he made a mad dash to my mother where he quckly tinkled on her leg. I think she turned four shades of red. She had told me in a very clear manner... "This is your dog... your responsability. He WILL NOT be spoiled and you will clean up after him." You can imagine my surprise when I came back from school the next day and found one of her best china plates on the ground... his plastic dish no where to be found... and on the plate - a nice sirloin that had been cut lovingly into tiny pieces. Hmmmm... *smile* He filled our lives with such lightness and joy... so much laughter and lessons on how to live. He knew when I needed him and made himself available, always, with a nudge or a cold nose to the cheek. He was my best friend... my brother... my guardian and so much a part of me that I can't explain. He was with me through every major change in my life and gave me love, comfort and companionship. He loved me even when I didn't love myself... and a person can be very ugly when they are in that place... and regardless... he loved me. Today is his birthday and I'm feeling happy honoring his spirit and the millions of smiles he brought my family. I'm remembering with much laughter and a few tears cherished moments, secrets shared by an innocen child to his best friend, and filled with so much gratitude in the lessons of how to love. He truly taught me how to love and be joyful. I feel his spirt near me and I see him sometimes in the corner of my eye... in his favorite spot on the couch. He thought he was a cat... would climb and sit on the couch back and gaze out the window. I miss him... his physical presence but he is always with me in heart and spirit. He was with me for nearly 18 years when he became ill... well, not so much ill as age. He had been struggling with movement and became more and more quiet and sleeping. I knew he was preparing to leave. It was noticible though he wasn't in pain. As the year progressed, his eating habits changed and it arrived at a point where it started to border on a painful exisitance, not one of joy or comfort. I can't bear to see anyone in pain... and set another appointment with the vet... knowing that it was time. I spent the morning next to him, thanking him and caressing him. I explained that it was okay to go and that I was sorry he was suffering. I explained how I didn't want him to be in pain and that I didn't know what else to do. I was so afraid I was making the wrong decision... so afraid that perhaps some part of him wouldn't understand and would feel abandoned... so hard to think straight when emotions are so high and your heart and head hurt from thinking. I believe he knew what I was saying and that he was ready to go. I drove with my Mom next to me, both of us with heavy hearts and Spike on the furon we had made for him. My heart ached thinking he wouldn't be returning with us... it felt on some level an abandonment though I knew in my head it wasn't but rarely do I find my heart and head on the same page at the same time. The Vet confirmed my fear that his systems were starting to shut down and that there was nothing that could be done... that it would become worse and painful. The most incredible moment of my life was holding him and caressing his head and face... rubbing his paw and feeling his spirit release. He took one last breath and there was just peace... just quiet and I couldn't breathe. I sat there for a moment dumbfounded... not sure what I was feeling... just there... and then tears... For weeks, I cried and had a rollercoaster of emotions. In prayer, I asked him to please show me a sign, any sign to let me know he understood. That he was at peace... that he forgave me. I was a basket case... I would work... come home, go to bed and cry. 2 days later... when I arrived home, my Mom told me I should look outside. In two days... where there had been no growth... in the middle of winter... there was a big beautiful pink rose. It's funny... in life, he always comforted me... always showed me unconditional love... in spirit... it continued and continues. He was also a HUGE force in renewing and defining my spirituality. He is still the guardian of my spirit and still reminds me to be filled with joy, enthusiasm and to enjoy the simple in life... and I am so grateful. So... yes, a celebration of love, life, spirit and connection. I'm guessing this is filled with typos and probably a bit scattered but I'm sure anyone who's lost their guardian/friend/familiar... you know how emotions can rush and feelings can be jolted... not at all bad, but ... yeah. They aren't "bad" tears... or feelings... just nostaligic... I miss him. Especailly today... his birthday was always an event. So... today remains an event... and there will be food and ice cream... silence, laughter, prayers and many thanks.
At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. - Albert Schweitzer
I've been making babies... well, that sounded a bit off. Faebies, actually and I'm nearly finished with my latest cherub cheeked Autumn Sunflower Faeby. I think one of the things I like about crafting is that I start with an idea and the outcome is usually a surprise. Kinda like life's journey... you make a guideline of what you want to manifest and create and find along the way that things fall into their own place and make their own art. Both are works in progress. I'm 36 and today I celebrate an anniversary. Today marks 10 years being single... and it is a Happy Anniversary. It didn't start out happy 10 years ago when I left a very abusive relationship and started, not knowing at the time, a relationship with myself. I was bitter and angry and feeling more than a little sorry for myself. It was very much like a death. and grieving. I should backtrack a bit... I have always known that I was gay and it was never an issue for me. Having said that, growing up in a small town - this isn't something that one really shares. To me, it just was a part of me, no more important than the color of my eyes or any other part of me - it just was. As a child and a teen, I always romanticized the idea of "love and relationship". It's something that I longed for deeply... well, as deeply as a 16 year old can imagine I suppose. It was strange seeing friends attend dances, date and couple when I didn't know anyone who was gay. It was a very difficult time. I had always been the one in my family and circle to make things go smoothly. I was very much one to try to make everyone happy and help. Of course, this wasn't healthy but it was a huge part of my identity at the time. When I did date... 3 times (ages 19, 22, and 24) which weren't so much dates as perhaps clinging to one another for the sake of being together - I spent a lot of time molding myself into what they saw as a "good partner". That thought, now, makes me cringe. I didn't really know who I was or perhaps I was afraid to find out or just completely oblivious... not really sure. I think it was probably a combination. The last relationship lasted just over 2 years and was probably one of the greatest gifts to happen in that it woke me up. I don't think there's so much anyone to blame and if so, it lie between both of us. Something just clicked in my head and heart. After leaving the relationship... I was bitter. In many ways, the grieving of the loss of the relationship occurred while we were together... small things which grew and intensified... like slowly dying. The relationship itself was dead before I left - if that makes sense? I was angry at myself for staying as long as I did, angry because I felt unappreciated, angry for the time and so much emotion... I just wanted to be alone. I withdrew, completely. I worked so much overtime and kept my hands busy so I wouldn't have time to think. I also used work as an excuse to distance myself from people and really turned to food for comfort and of course - gaining weight when you're already feeling low - well, not a good combo. I was angry for 3 years... and alone. It's funny how we can inflict the very thing on ourselves that we fear most. I began writing and things poured out... I had avoided writing for that fact... I knew the dam would break and I would have to do something. Comfort can be the biggest enemy to growing and I was so comfortable. I knew I wanted to make changes and for me, writing was the handle to open that door. I began to go out on road trips and made some spiritual connections. I delved further into my own beliefs and wrote more. I started to thaw... I wanted to live. I hadn't been living and I had an army of excuses that kept me company. I had no idea that 10 years ago, I would start a journey and marriage to myself, my spirit and finding that life wasn't about perfection or being something I wasn't or hiding my light. I didn't think that I would be okay with not being in a relationship... let alone be happy single for many years. I see it very much like a marriage... the first year is the toughest... compromises, changes, adapting... and finding a rhythm. I guess I'm happily married, hehehe - well, most days. :) Do I think of love and relationship... of course but it's not something I need. It's something I want one day and for all the right reasons... which are healthy. I'm not incomplete... I'm as complete as I can possible be and grow more a little each day. I would love an equal... a true partner... who I can share my light with and in turn be someone he can share his light with me. I always feel a bit uneasy when people say relationships are 50/50... I've always hoped for 100/100. Does that make sense? To bring your whole authentic self forward and have that returned in trust and non judgement. Unconditionally being loved and to have your love accepted. Tow people who appreciate one another, respect one another and celebrate each others differences as much as likeness. I see so many people together just to be together and it breaks my heart. So many people I know are partnered, married or coupled yet many have lost their identities and become this one entity where one, also by their choice, hides a deep part of themselves to remain in that place. Of course, these are my observations and my thoughts... and not something that I state. I'm very open and honest and I do fear that someone may ask pointedly my opinion but other than that... it's really not my stuff. It's not my place or journey and we all need to find our own truth.
So - yeah - I'm celebrating today. I'm spending time doing things that bring me great joy, laughter, connection and also taking time to really feel just how blessed I am. I'm grateful for all my lessons and am keeping myself open to lessons to come. Happy Anniversary.
Why Should I Love You? - Kate Bush
This chapter says "Put it out of your mind" Mmm, give it time.... The fine purple The purest gold The red of the Sacred Heart The grey of a ghost The "L" of the lips are open To the "O" of the Host The "V" of the velvet Of all of the people in the world Why should I love you? There's just something 'bout you There's just something 'bout you Of all the people in the world Why should I love you? Have you ever seen a picture Of Jesus laughing? Mmm, do you think He had a beautiful smile? A smile that healed Of all the people in the world Why should I love you? There's just something 'bout you There's just something 'bout you Of all the people in the world Why should I love you? Of all the people in the world Why should I love you? The fine purple The purest gold The red of the Sacred Heart The grey of a ghost The "L" of the lips are open To the "O" of the Host The "V" of the velvet The "E" of my eye The eye in wonder The eye that sees The "I" that loves you Of all the people in the world Why should I love you?
Ohhhh... where do the days go? My day 30 is following 29 several days late. Ever feel time is a bit wonky... definitely not linear? I snapped this photo on my lunch break, in the saftely of my car. It was the first time in a few days where I felt still. I've had moments on introspection and meditation but my mind's been full. In the past week, I've made some huge decsions... and things seems to be excelerating. Funny how that happens when you put it out to the universe, eh? Work has been a struggle. I'm very grateful to have a job that allows me the schedule I have and a salary that is competetive for the area I'm in. In the past, I've had commutes up to 3 hours - one way. There are things about my work that I love - the connection I have with my interpreters, the diversity and cultural richness and a few close bonds with colleages. Unfortunately, the difficult outweighs the good and has slowly taken it's toll on me. It's hard to be in a place that makes you feel so heavy and torn. I long for something that feeds my spirit and excites me... something that makes me feel I've accomplished something good at the end of the day. A reward that doesn't have a dollar sign, yet still allows me to live and be financially secure. I've revamped my resume and am scared, excited and confident that I will find something that fits. This decision makes way for the next message that came loud and clear. My relocation plans to Washington have moved up from 2009 to mid 2008. Washington feels like home to me. I have loved ones there and it just feels like home... had to explain. When I am there, it just feels right and when I leave... when I'm on the plane heading back to CA, I feel an odd sense of leaving home and going back to... the place where my job is... the place where I rent a house... the place that I am when I'm not "home". I don't know how else to explain it. I'm also worried about my Mom as it will be a huge change and though we've talked at length about it, there's a part of me that fears she won't be happy. Of course, there are those little voices of what if... and maybe this... or maybe that... It's a mixture of thoughts and emotions, though I do believe it will be a good move. It's funny how one thought... one fear... can become an army before the sun comes out. So... "stillness" has been present... but not always easy to touch.
I feel most alive in Autumn. October is my favorite month. It's gifted me with so many blessings... and there are so many layers to the month that speaks to me. The crisp weather... the changing season... the scents... colors... foliage... birthdays, anniversaries... so much. Now... I'm happy for cold sheets and pillows... my flickering "Life Purpose" candle and maybe a few moments of stillness. I'm happy... surprised and a little frightened (well, more than a little)... but indeed, happy and very blessed.
Butterfly On A Wheel - The Mission UK
Silver and gold and it's growing cold Autumn leaves lay as thick as thieves Shivers down your spine chill you to the bone 'Cos the mandolin wind is the melody that turns Your heart to stone The heat of your breath carving shadows on the mist Every angel has the wish that she's never been kissed A broken dream haunting in your sleep And hiding in your smile a secret you must keep Love cuts you deep Love breaks the wings of a butterfly on a wheel Love breaks the wings of a butterfly on a wheel There's no scarlet in you, lay your veil down for me As sure as God made wine, you can't wrap your arms Around a memory Take warmth from me, cold Autumn winds cut sharp as a knife And in the dark for me, you're the candle flame that Flickers to life Love breaks the wings of a butterlfy on a wheel Love will break the wings of a butterfly on a wheel Wise men say all is fair in love and war There's no right or wrong in the design of love And I could only watch as the wind crushed your wings Broken and torn crushed like the flower under the snow And like the flower in spring Love will rise again to heal your wings Love heals the wings of a butterfly on a wheel Love will heal the wings of a butterfly on a wheel
Taking the time to rest and and look inward... grateful to this sleepy little one in the sun for the reminder.
Listen to the Exhortation of the Dawn! Look to this Day! For it is Life, the very Life of Life. In its brief course lie all the Verities and Realities of your Existence. The Bliss of Growth, The Glory of Action, The Splendor of Beauty; For Yesterday is but a Dream, And To-morrow is only a Vision; But To-day well lived makes Every Yesterday a Dream of Happiness, And every Tomorrow a Vision of Hope. Look well therefore to this Day! Such is the Salutation of the Dawn! -Kalidasa
Both Sides Now - Judy Collins
Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air And feather canyons everywhere, I've looked at clouds that way But now they only block the sun they rain and snow on everyone So many things I would have done, but clouds got in my way
I've looked at clouds from both sides now From up and down and still somehow It's cloud's illusions I recall I really don't know clouds at all
Moons and Junes and ferris wheels the dizzy dancing way you feel As every fairy tale comes real, I've looked at love that way But now it's just another show, you leave 'em laughin when you go And if you care don't let them know, don't give yourself away
I've looked at love from both sides now From give and take and still somehow It's love's illusions I recall I really don't know love at all
Tears and fears and feeling proud, to say, "I love you" right out loud Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, I've looked at life that way But now old friends are acting strange they shake their heads, they say I've changed But something's lost but something's gained in living every day
I've looked at life from both sides now From win and lose and still somehow It's life's illusions I recall I really don't know life at all
When I think of the people in my life who love me, unconditionally, it overwhelms me. The past few days have been a bit of an emotional roller coaster and I'm so grateful for the hands of spirit that hold me up and the love of family. Tonight will just be simple and slow and quiet... and that is okay. The sweet tomatoes and luscious cheese was simple and making the balsamic reduction woke me and moved me in a softer place... and present. It's funny how in a rush or during a crisis how we can float on currents or responsibilities that need to be done that we forget the necessary things like eating or taking care of ourselves - taking care of our selves by nurturing our spirit... which for me, lets me know if I'm not and usually not in a subtle way...WAKE UP, SHUT UP AND TAKE ANOTHER LOOK. It's funny but not so much in a ha ha kinda way. I don't like complaining, sitting on the pity pot, or wallowing so there's not much else to do except... CHANGE IT. It's so not about comfort... So... moving toward a few changes earlier than expected yet being more patient with mysef when my first urge is to beat myself up. It's not about comfort... it's not about comfort...it's not about comfort
Everything - Alanis Morissette
I can be an asshole of the grandest kind I can withhold like it's going out of style I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone Who is as negative as I am sometimes I am the wisest woman you've ever met. I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected. I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen And you've never met anyone Who's as positive as I am sometimes. You see everything, you see every part You see all my light and you love my dark You dig everything of which I'm ashamed There's not anything to which you can't relate And you're still here I blame everyone else, not my own partaking My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating I'm terrified and mistrusting And you've never met anyone as, As closed down as I am sometimes. You see everything, you see every part You see all my light and you love my dark You dig everything of which I'm ashamed There's not anything to which you can't relate And you're still here What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go I'm the funniest woman that you've ever known I'm the dullest woman that you've ever known I'm the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known And you've never met anyone Who is as everything as I am sometimes You see everything (you see everything), you see every part (you see every part ) You see all my light (you see all my light) and you love my dark (and you love my dark ) You dig everything (you dig everything) of which I'm ashamed (of which I'm ashamed) There's not anything (there's not anything) to which you can't relate (to which you can't relate) And you're still here (You see everything, you see every part) And you're still here (You see all my light and you love my dark) And you're still here (You dig everything of which I'm ashamed) (There's not anything to which you can't relate) And you're still here...
The little old bird woman comes. In her own special way to the people she calls, "Come, buy my bags full of crumbs. Come feed the little birds, show them you care And you'll be glad if you do. Their young ones are hungry, Their nests are so bare; All it takes is tuppence from you." Feed the birds, tuppence a bag, Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag. "Feed the birds," that's what she cries, While overhead, her birds fill the skies. All around the cathedral the saints and apostles Look down as she sells her wares. Although you can't see it, you know they are smiling Each time someone shows that he cares. Though her words are simple and few, Listen, listen, she's calling to you: "Feed the birds, tuppence a bag, Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag." "Feed the birds, tuppence a bag"...
