I spent the day with my Mom doing some after holiday shopping and then a nice dinner at California Pizza Kitchen. We both had delicious pasta dishes and shared our joys and challenges of the past year. Tonight will be baking... baking... and more baking. I purchased a page and a half of ingrediants, partially pictured above, for cakes, cheesecakes, cookies, cupcakes, muffins, candies and marshmallows as gifts to loved ones. I love homemade goodies... and any chance, holiday or not, that allows me to go crazy in the kitchen is a good thing! Wishing everyone a safe New Years eve - especially if you'll be travelling or on the roads. Here's to a joyful, healthy, prosperous, year filled with family, genuine friendships, love, laughter and lessons learned and obsticales and challenges met with a strong spirit and warm and open heart. Blessings and Much LOVE, Jon
Hymn for the fallen Dead Can Dance
My attends to you as a mother fears while her children sleep Now look, see how they're dreaming The black reciteries, while the children dream Don't go so deep in slumber Where you'll shy Know you'll wander in sleep Don't you fly too far away Some men die without crying Suffering so long and alone Softly, children, dry your eyes Gently, children, be wise My attends to you as a mother hears all her children's fears So don't cry, all will wash away when we pray Soon, soon, soon, soon, soon So if it's okay, i'll wait with you while the sun began to shine Oh look, your wings are broken But never a lie was spoken The murdered thing is love, you see Drifting on a lake of memory Now sleep, close your eyes and have no fear A wide blue sky is very near Soon, soon, soon, soon, soon Now sleep, close your eyes and have no fear A wide blue sky is very near
Friday, December 28, 2007
We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing each other. - Luciano De Crescenzo
Kyrie Eleison! Maiden, Mother Crone of Host! Kyrie Eleison! Father, Son and Holy Ghost! Kyrie Eleison! Wind and lightning, Rain and Moss! Kyrie Eleison! Sword and Staff, Cauldron and Cross!
A circlet of the Sacred Thorn, The rising of the Sun reborn A sacrifice for all Mankind A Tree with root and branch entwined God will grant His Blessings still, Though we call Her what we will We can name it what so ere, A spell is nothing but a prayer
Holy Water, Sacred Spring Angel Fire, Faerie Ring Different, and yet still the same Acceptance lies beyond the name Each and all are tied as one There should be no comparison This one law is rudiment Our faith’s defined by our intent
Stone and statue guard this ground Different faiths together bound Back to stand against the Dark with Light Mother Earth, God above Unify us all in love Unite us though diversity For Fear is our true enemy!
I'm not a big fan of malls and certainly not a fan anytime in December with the crowds but I made an exception today. I have always felt a twinge of guilt when I shop for myself, though I'm overcoming that issue. I purchased something for myself this evening and am feeling very giddy. It's something I've always wanted yet would never pay THAT much for it on my salary... or any other salary, well - there's that guilt thing too. Anyway... aside from "THE THING"... here's the other reason why I am so giddy: 499.99 - Regular Price 399.99 - Sale Price 319.99 - Less 20% 119.99 - Less $200 gift certificate 69.99 - Less $50 mail in rebate
The Professional 600™ Series is KitchenAid's most powerful Stand Mixer, able to churn through double batches of bread dough.
Features
* Professional bowl-lift design raises bowl into mixing position * 10-speed slide control ranges from a very fast whip to a very slow stir * PowerKnead™ spiral dough hook replicates hand-kneading to handle 20% more dough than previous models * Durable direct drive, all-steel gear transmission delivers high-performance mixing action * Commercial-style motor protection ensures motor longevity * Electronic Speed Sensor * Soft Start® Speed * 14 Cups of Flower Power * 6 Quart Capacity Mixing Bowl * 67 Point Planetary Mixing Action * Multi-purpose Attachment Hub * All-Metal Construction * 575 Watt Motor * 1 Year Hassle-Free Replacement WarrantyModels: KP26M1X
I wish Y'all lived close - I'd invite you over for a dessert buffet!
Come Ona My House Rose Mary Clooney
Come on-a my house my house, I'm gonna give you candy Come on-a my house, my house, I'm gonna give a you Apple a plum and apricot-a too eh Come on-a my house, my house a come on Come on-a my house, my house a come on Come on-a my house, my house I'm gonna give a you Figs and dates and grapes and cakes eh Come on-a my house, my house a come on Come on-a my house, my house a come on Come on-a my house, my house, I'm gonna give you candy Come on-a my house, my house, I'm gonna give you everything
Come on-a my house my house, I'm gonna give you Christmas tree Come on-a my house, my house, I'm gonna give you Marriage ring and a pomegranate too ah Come on-a my house, my house a come on Come on-a my house, my house a come on Come on-a my house, my house I'm gonna give a you Peach and pear and I love your hair ah Come on-a my house, my house a come on Come on-a my house, my house a come on Come on-a my house, my house, I'm gonna give you Easta-egg Come on-a my house, my house, I'm gonna give you Everything - everything - everything
Late, by myself, in the boat of myself No light and no land anymore Cloud cover thick I try to stay just above the surface, Yet I am already under and living with the Ocean. -Rumi
I received this card, from Gaelan, in the mail today. It was a reminder that we are all, indeed, connected - even when things may seem anything but. I thought I would share it and magical words of Rumi for anyone else who may be feeling a bit overwhelmed or disconnected. Blessing and hugs, Jon
PS A Blessed Solstice to all. :) Here Comes the Sun The Beatles
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun, and I say it's all right
Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here Here comes the sun, here comes the sun and I say it's all right
Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here Here comes the sun, here comes the sun and I say it's all right
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes... Sun, sun, sun, here it comes... Sun, sun, sun, here it comes... Sun, sun, sun, here it comes... Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear Here comes the sun, here comes the sun, and I say it's all right It's all right
I love celebrating the season and all of the beautiful spirit that lies beneath the names and labels.
Having said that... Boy Howdy, I feel a coldness that is not winter... it's this feeling of expectation and surface smiles... the hustle and bustle and lack of comapssion that appear - wrapped in a commercial bow and a trail of glitter leading to the nearest mall. I'm having many moments of $(#%*&! and my issues are shining brightly... though I'm trying to keep them in check, acknowledging how I feel and allowing myself to feel them but not letting it delfate my spirit. I'm just feeling a bit blah...
I received two emails at work today that touched me. One made me stop and breathe... and say a silent and heart felt thank you for all the love in my life while the other made me giggle loudly in my cubicle. I thought I'd share both for anyone who might, like me, need a reminder of all the little things that make life great. Blessings and Hugs, J :)
Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure.
Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, "I love you and I wish you enough".
The daughter replied, "Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough , too, Mom".
They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?".
Yes, I have," I replied. "Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?".
"I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral," she said.
"When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough'. May I ask what that means?".
She began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone". She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. "When we said , 'I wish you enough', we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them". Then turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory.
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.
She then began to cry and walked away.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them but then an entire life to forget them.
* Only if you wish send this to the people you will never forget.
TAKE TIME TO LIVE...
A WEEK AT THE GYM
If you can read this without laughing out loud....I am worried about you!
Dear Diary,
For my sixtieth birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Lorraine, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Lorraine waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Lorraine gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Lorraine was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Lorraine made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Lorraine 's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Lorraine was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky so early in the morning; and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Lorraine put me on the stair 'monster'. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Lorraine told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other stuff too.
THURSDAY:
Lorraine was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late. It took me that long to tie my shoes. Lorraine took me to work out with dumbbells! When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny woman to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that Lorraine more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Lorraine wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Lorraine left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank G O D that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Rachel (the little rascal !*$%) will choose a gift for me that is fun, like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds.
Ice Cream Sarah McLachlan
Ice Cream
Your love is better than ice cream better than anything else that I've tried and your love is better than ice cream everyone here know how to fight and it's a long way down it's a long way down it's a long way down to the place where we started from Your love is better than chocolate better than anything else that I've tried oh love is better than chocolate everyone here knows how to cry it's a long way down it's a long way down it's a long way down to the place where we started from...
hmmmm wow... not sure how I feel about this. hehehe
Dancing With Myself Billy Idol
On the floor of Tokyo Or down in London town to go, go With the record selection With the mirror reflection I'm dancing with myself When there's no-one else in sight In the crowded lonely night Well I wait so long For my love vibration And I'm dancing with myself Oh dancing with myself Oh dancing with myself Well there's nothing to lose And there's nothing to prove I'll be dancing with myself If I looked all over the world And there's every type of girl But your empty eyes Seem to pass me by Leave me dancing with myself So let's sink another drink 'Cause it'll give me time to think If I had the chance I'd ask the world to dance And I'll be dancing with myself Oh dancing with myself Oh dancing with myself Well there's nothing to lose And there's nothing to prove I'll be dancing with myself
It's been a gloriously grey and rainy day. No errands, clean house, and warm slippers! Ran out to the grocery store and Blockbuster Video. Previously viewed movies were on sale so I grabbed:
Ladies In Lavender - I LOVE Judi Dench and Maggie Smith! YAY!
Bride & Prejudice - Bollywood version of Jane Austen's classic. LOADS to laughs!
Phat Girlz - Coworker had mentioned it and any movie that applauds positive body image is good in my book! Wooohooo
Eragon - Cause there be Dragons! ROWWWWR
Rise - I never outgrew vampire flicks. And Lucy Liu is in it too!
Fracture - Recommended by a friend. Anthony Hopkins... can't go wrong.
Pathfinder - Honestly, only to stare at Karl Urban for 2 hours. :) Shallow end of depth, but damn good fun.
Grilled a few steaks and salmon fillets potato and leek soup greens with dried cranberries, feta, pecans with lemon, olive oil and garlic rice and treated myself to a bottle of prosecco for bellinis! Not much for drinks but every once in a blue moon.
off to movie land... Hope everyone is having a rejuvenating weekend!
I Love A Rainy Night Eddie Rabbit
Well, I love a rainy night I love a rainy night I love to hear the thunder Watch the lightning When it lights up the sky You know it makes me feel good Well, I love a rainy night It's such a beautiful sight I love to feel the rain On my face Taste the rain on my lips In the moonlight shadow Showers washed All my cares away I wake up to a sunny day 'Cos I love a rainy night Yeah, I love a rainy night Well, I love a rainy night Well, I love a rainy night Ooh-ooh I love a rainy night I love a rainy night I love to hear the thunder Watch the lightning When it lights up the sky You know it makes me feel good Well, I love a rainy night It's such a beautiful sight I love to feel the rain On my face To taste the rain on my lips In the moonlight shadows Puts a song In this heart of mine Puts a smile on my face every time 'Cos I love a rainy night Yeah, I love a rainy night Ooh, I love a rainy night Yeah, I love a rainy night Ooh-ooh Showers washed All my cares away I wake up to a sunny day 'Cos I love a rainy night Yeah, I love a rainy night Well, I love a rainy night I love a rainy night Well, I love a rainy night You can see it in my eyes Yeah, I love a rainy night Well, it makes me high Ooh, I love a rainy night You know I do, yeah, yeah I love a rainy night I love a rainy night You can see it in my eyes.
Bowl of Wisdom (carefully guarded by my wind up otter)
I thought I'd share a few of the beautiful messages I've been gifted from these little cards. They touch my heart and help me focus on things that I sometimes need reminding... sometimes a cosmic smack upside the head, lovingly - of course! ;)
Remember that what is hard to endure will be sweet to recall. - Tote Yamada
We rise by lifting others. - Robert Green Ingersoll
There is more to life than having everything. - Maurice Sendak
There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning. - Lous L'Amour
We had only one simple rule in our home: Live harmlessly. - Sally Browne
The effect of one good-hearted person is incalcuable. - Oscar Arias
You really can change the world if you care enough. - Marian Wright Edelman
Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. - Mother Teresa
Treasure each other in the recognition that we do not know how long we shall have each other. - Joshua Loth Liebman
Where there is no love, put love - and you will find love. - Saint John of the Cross
A heart can be broken, but it will keep beating just the same. - Fannie Flagg
The thing always happens that you believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen. - Frank Lloyd Wright
Life is a promise. Fulfil it. - Mother Teresa
Be kind to one another. - Jim Henson
We need heart-to-heart resuscitation. - Ram Dass
"What is life's heaviest burden?" asked the child. "To have nothing to carry," answered the old man. - Anonymous
How simple is it to see that we can only be happy now, and that there will never be a time when it is not now. - Gerald Jampolsky
Most people don't know how brave they are. - R.E. Chambers
Make your own trail. - Katharine Hepburn
One of the marks of a gift is to have the courage to fulfull it. - Katherine Anne Porter
If I could buy you for what you think you're worth and sell you for what you're really worth - I'd make a fortune. - Unknown
We are boundless creatures. - Kobi Yamada
Within you lies a power greather than what lies before you. - Anonymous
Nature never repeats herself, and the possibilities of one human soul will never be found in another. - Elizabeth Cady Stanton
You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star. - Friedrich Nietzche
Each of us has a spark of life inside us, and we must set off that spark in one another. - Kenny Ausubel
Seek not outside yourself, heaven is within. - Mary Lou Cook
It's Friday. I've made myself a lucious coconut shake and have a few movies to enjoy and get lost in. I hope the weekend gifts all of us with moments of silence and "me time." I am feeling winter very strongly and my heart and mind are being pulled inward as well as in many directions. I'm so happy weekend has found me!
This Is Not the House Pain Built Dar Williams
My house is hard to find, but I'll give you directions, You can visit sometime, down where all that I built surrounds me Just make sure your car's got good shocks There's steep hills, there's potholes, there's rocks I work in the garden, my son plays around me Close the gate behind you, there's a horse that can't get out I will see you first, is that all right And can you remember, can you remember
This is not the house that pain built This is not the house that pain built I was drowning in something, I jumped in the rift And you knew me back then, when I spat on my gift, but no
It's tough and it's tiring when you go it alone I learned about wiring, I learned about stone The building is done but the work's never through And I won't give up, no how, it reminds me of who I am and where I am now I remember myself, that's the work that I do On a spring night when the snow is melting You'll see two sets of footprints walking Look at all the stars, and turn around, and walk home, Slowly walk home.
This is not the house that pain built That is not a house that pain built My friends all think that I holed up and hid But I tell them I didn't, you know I don't think I did, no.
And this is where I let my pain go This is where I let my pain go This is where the footprints dance in the snow
I kidnapped my Mom this afternoon to wander around Monterey. I found a neat little used bookstore that actually had books in Japanese... she was thrilled which of course made me a happy camper! The weather was sunny with some lovely grey clouds and a crisp breeze... beautiful wintery. Instead of cooking tonight - opting for take out from New Tokyo... tempura, maguro and unagi and a few tekka rolls!
and I have a pint of Haagen-Dazs' eggnog ice cream...bliss. Hope everyone is having a beautiful day and moments of stillness. Jxxx
These Are Days - 10000 Maniacs
These are days you'll remember. Never before and never since, I promise, will the whole world be warm as this. And as you feel it, you'll know it's true that you are blessed and lucky. It's true that you are touched by something that will grow and bloom in you. These are days you'll remember. When May is rushing over you with desire to be part of the miracles you see in every hour. You'll know it's true that you are blessed and lucky. It's true that you are touched by something that will grow and bloom in you. These are days. These are the days you might fill with laughter until you break. These days you might feel a shaft of light make its way across your face. And when you do you'll know how it was meant to be. See the signs and know their meaning. It's true, you'll know how it was meant to be. Hear the signs and know they're speaking to you, to you.
To all the children at heart who may read this, I remember reading this when I was little and it filled me with so many emotions. It always stuck with me and I happened to stumble over it today. It's downloadable. :) After all these years, I still needed tissue. It has a message that never gets old or outgrown. Blessings, Jon
Ohhhh… I’ve been tagged by Beverly ( http://embraceyourgifts.typepad.com/blog/ ). Neat exercise and getting to know people!
Here are the rules of the game: Link to the person’s blog who tagged you. 2. Post these rules on your blog. 3. List seven random and/or weird facts about yourself 4. Tag seven random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs. 5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog.
Here are 7 random/weird facts about me…
I am a bit obsessive compulsive with my car radio.I have a digital tuner and when raising or lowering the volume – it must land on an odd number.Little weird?Yep yep yep
I’ve always loved music.I started recording my own mixed bunch of songs when I was 3 on my Mom’s reel to reel stereo.
On the subject of music, my very first record album was given to me by my mother.It had been one of the first records she bought for herself.It contains, to this day, my favorite song … Seven Daffodils by the Brothers Four.
My favorite scent is the "perfumed" air walking in the forest on a crisp autumn day just after rain.
I love bellydancing.I think it’s one of the things that snaps me into my body and lets me connect with spirit.Devotional dance, for me, is like speed dial to the universe.It’s about moving and feeling and becoming part of the music… part of the air… and at the same time everything and nothing.
Nothing makes me smile more than a furry critter… dogs, cats, cows… love, love, LOVE animals.I find many times, I prefer the company of four leggeds to two…hehehehe.
I am a hopeful romantic.
I tagging anyone who would be interested in sharing! :)
I spent a good part of the morning happily snoozing. Funny how your body will decide that you WILL sleep when it's had it's fill. I've been fighting the cold and pushing myself a bit too much and my body was having nothing to do with that today. I feel MUCH better with a full night/morning of rest and time to just be... love that though I find it hard to do much of the time. I spent the evening in Capitola visiting Rowan. We hadn't been able to spend time together over the past several months due to schedules and all those little things that pop up. It was wonderful catching up, laughing and having dinner at Chili's! The molten lava cake was the perfect dessert for a delicious day. I'm very thankful for slowing down, making time and much laughter.
Gypsy Suzanne Vega
You come from far away With pictures in your eyes Of coffeeshops and morning streets In the blue and silent sunrise But night is the cathedral Where we recognized the sign We strangers know each other now As part of the whole design Oh, hold me like a baby That will not fall asleep Curl me up inside you And let me hear you through the heat You are the jester of this courtyard With a smile like a girl's Distracted by the women With the dimples and the curls By the pretty and the mischievous By the timid and the blessed By the blowing skirts of ladies Who promise to gather you to their breast Oh, hold me like a baby That will not fall asleep Curl me up inside you And let me hear you through the heat You have hands of raining water And that earring in your ear The wisdom on your face Denies the number of your years With the fingers of the potter And the laughing tale of the fool The arranger of disorder With your strange and simple rules Yes now I've met me another spinner Of strange and gauzy threads With a long and slender body And a bump upon the head With a long and slender body And the sweetest softest hands And we'll blow away forever soon And go on to different lands And please do not ever look for me But with me you will stay And you will hear yourself in song Blowing by one day
My mom and I usually spend the weekend prior to the anniversary of my father's passing (11/13/89) together to reflect, laugh and celebrate life. We decided to go out for a nice lunch and just enjoy the crispness of the coming winter walking about. Things didn't really go as planned. We had decided on any 1 of 3 of our favorite restaurants... and for one reason or other, all were full or closed. I thought for a moment how funny that was and that my father was probably giggling as he preferred a nice home cooked meal. It flashed that perhaps he might have had a hand in this. So... I decided that if there was halibut (Mom was craving halibut) at the fish market, I would cook a nice dinner and we would just relax at home. .. otherwise may get take out and enjoy dinner at home. So... we get to the market... and no halibut. I thought, maybe it wasn't dad... Just as I was about to turn and leave, the owner asked if there was something I was looking for. I answered, halibut steak... and went on to say that I hadn't seen any in the window. Turns out, he just received 2 steaks with a small order that had just arrived. Hmmmm :) So tonight... Halibut steak with a buttery sun dried tomato creme sauce wasabi mashed potatoes stir fry veggies with homemade teriyaki sauce baby bokchoy with garlic and ginger and for dinner... my dads fave... deep dish apple pie with caramel sauce :) My mom brought my fathers and Spike's urns out for the week and made a little altar with a little potted flowers. water, and an angel which is my Sunday photo.
In other news... Last year, November 06, I had decided to give up meat for 1 year as a devotional. I love food. I love to cook it and eat it. The reason for the devotional was a way to connect with my own spirit as well as the divine. I didn't do it to punish myself or out of obligation. I wanted to be aware of the herbs that I grow, the fresh veggies and fruits that are so abundant... so much so, that I had taken them for granted. I also wanted to make a promise to my spirit that I would take better care of myself... physically, mentally and spiritually. The year went by quickly and I didn't feel like I was missing anything. I had to take time to read labels, cook more meals at home, and be disciplined more than I had with my food intake. So this week... I've incorporated fresh fish... and although I remembered the taste of fish... preparing it now, cooking it, tasting it... has changed. I savour it... slow down... and don't waste food, as last year... I was a bit more careless with waste. My gratitude for the food... for the sacrifice of the fish/meat... it's changed in a very beautiful way. It's hard to explain... but it is an amazing experience.
Eden - 10,000 Maniacs
We are the roses in the garden, beauty with thorns among our leaves. To pick a rose you ask your hands to bleed. What is the reason for having roses when your blood is shed carelessly? It must be for something more than vanity. Believe me, the truth is we're not honest, not the people that we dream. We're not as close as we could be. Willing to grow but rains are shallow. Barren and wind-scattered seed on stone and dry land, we will be. Waiting for the light arisen to flood inside the prison. And in that time kind words alone will teach us, no bitterness will reach us. Reason will be guided another way. All in time, but the clock is another demon that devours our time in Eden, in our Paradise. Will our eyes see well beneath us, flowers all divine? Is there still time? If we wake and discover in life a precious love, will that waking become more heavenly?
Lately I've been feeling a bit of a disconnect. My life is full of so much abundance and I know that I am blessed beyond what I can even comprehend... but, I feel heavy and dark these past several weeks. Things have been hitting me very hard and I find myself completing the "have to's" and struggling to retain balance. I've neglected time in the forest, writing and obviously - my Sacred Sunday blogging. I don't like slacking off on personal commitments... things that I find joy in and growth. Lately, I am just tired. I'm trying not to beat myself up and at the same time, don't want this current state to become a habit. October was filled with many lessons in life, death, rebirth, spirit/spirituality... so many questions, answers, pokes from the universe and frustration in what to do with everything... holding space and trying to make sense of any of it... not that anything needs to make senes all at once or right now . The lovely quirks of my mind and lack of patience thrown into to the recipe and... wow, instant Mr Cranky Pants. I guess a part of me feels a bit lost right now. And thought I know it's just what I am experiencing at the moment, it's difficult to see the whole picture. I'm going through my belongings and sorting outthings to keep, donate, and discard... simplifying and also thinking ahead for the move next year. I'm surrounding myself with things that bring me joy and remind me to laugh and not take things so seriously.
It Must Have Happened - Mary Chapin Carpenter
Can't remember looking for something So hard to find I can't remember talking to myself Just like I'd lost my mind I can't remember rowing towards the moon Upon a single beam But it must have happened, yeah It must have happened Can't remember learning How to laugh at catastrophe I can't remember losing track Of who I was supposed to be I can't remember riding flying horses Toward the golden ring But it must have happened Yes it must have happened 'Cause after all baby here I am With a ring in my pocket And the moon in my hand After all baby here I am with you Can't remember seeing all my hopes Going up in flames I can't remember reaching For the closes thing to dull the pain I can't remember feeling I could be healed by a stranger's hand But it must have happened Yes it must have happened 'Cause after all baby Here I am in a bed of roses With a punch drunk grin After all baby here I am with you Can't remember looking for omens Hoping there was going to be a sign I can't remember figuring out The secret was inside me all this time I can't remember walking without fear Towards the light you shined But it must have happened Yeah it must have happened And I know it happened Yes it must have happened Darling look what happened
Energy does not die, it simply transforms. Life is born into life over and over. Do not fear the transition. Perpetuate trust. Welcome the souls' journey. Surrender.
I just returned from a memorial service of a man who lived his life fully. The family decided to hold the services today, what would have been his 87th birthday. I can't really English anything at the moment as my head is full of thoughts and in processing mode. What I can say is that everything... every person, every kindness, every moment is a fiber in this wonderful tapestry of life. I just want to hug all the people in my life and tell them that I love them. I'm tired. I will write what I can translate from my heart and head tomorrow afternoon... after work. 4am comes quicly and the cold sheets are calling me. I didn't take a photo today but was reminded many times of the photo I am posting. It is the card of Transformation from the Wisdom of the Crone deck. To all the wonderful friends I've met through My Sacred Life and Sacred Life Sunday... I send warm thoughts and blessings. What a beautiful gift to meet and share with amazing people... talk about beautiful colors in a tapestry. Love and hugs... peace and gratitude... Jx
I strongly believe that the animals in our lives come not only to fulfil our lives and open our eyes to unconditional love and compassion but also as guardians of spirit. Spike came at a time in my life that I felt very different and lonely. I was asked what I wanted for my birthday and I answered, as I had for months, a dog. My parents, knowing I was having difficulty adjusting from our move from Illinois to CA felt deeply for me and without the landlords knowledge, agreed we should have a dog. I remember going to Kimberly Pet Shop and running to the backroom where the kennels were. I recall this little black bundle with a crazed tail, "LOOK AT ME" yap yap yap, the warmest brown eyes and claws that clanked on the metal floor with h excited step as the owner of the shop unlatched the door and scooped him up in her arms. For a moment the world seemed to not exist... just this tiny bundle of energy and excitement that wriggled happily in my arms. Once we arrived home, he made a mad dash to my mother where he quckly tinkled on her leg. I think she turned four shades of red. She had told me in a very clear manner... "This is your dog... your responsability. He WILL NOT be spoiled and you will clean up after him." You can imagine my surprise when I came back from school the next day and found one of her best china plates on the ground... his plastic dish no where to be found... and on the plate - a nice sirloin that had been cut lovingly into tiny pieces. Hmmmm... *smile* He filled our lives with such lightness and joy... so much laughter and lessons on how to live. He knew when I needed him and made himself available, always, with a nudge or a cold nose to the cheek. He was my best friend... my brother... my guardian and so much a part of me that I can't explain. He was with me through every major change in my life and gave me love, comfort and companionship. He loved me even when I didn't love myself... and a person can be very ugly when they are in that place... and regardless... he loved me. Today is his birthday and I'm feeling happy honoring his spirit and the millions of smiles he brought my family. I'm remembering with much laughter and a few tears cherished moments, secrets shared by an innocen child to his best friend, and filled with so much gratitude in the lessons of how to love. He truly taught me how to love and be joyful. I feel his spirt near me and I see him sometimes in the corner of my eye... in his favorite spot on the couch. He thought he was a cat... would climb and sit on the couch back and gaze out the window. I miss him... his physical presence but he is always with me in heart and spirit. He was with me for nearly 18 years when he became ill... well, not so much ill as age. He had been struggling with movement and became more and more quiet and sleeping. I knew he was preparing to leave. It was noticible though he wasn't in pain. As the year progressed, his eating habits changed and it arrived at a point where it started to border on a painful exisitance, not one of joy or comfort. I can't bear to see anyone in pain... and set another appointment with the vet... knowing that it was time. I spent the morning next to him, thanking him and caressing him. I explained that it was okay to go and that I was sorry he was suffering. I explained how I didn't want him to be in pain and that I didn't know what else to do. I was so afraid I was making the wrong decision... so afraid that perhaps some part of him wouldn't understand and would feel abandoned... so hard to think straight when emotions are so high and your heart and head hurt from thinking. I believe he knew what I was saying and that he was ready to go. I drove with my Mom next to me, both of us with heavy hearts and Spike on the furon we had made for him. My heart ached thinking he wouldn't be returning with us... it felt on some level an abandonment though I knew in my head it wasn't but rarely do I find my heart and head on the same page at the same time. The Vet confirmed my fear that his systems were starting to shut down and that there was nothing that could be done... that it would become worse and painful. The most incredible moment of my life was holding him and caressing his head and face... rubbing his paw and feeling his spirit release. He took one last breath and there was just peace... just quiet and I couldn't breathe. I sat there for a moment dumbfounded... not sure what I was feeling... just there... and then tears... For weeks, I cried and had a rollercoaster of emotions. In prayer, I asked him to please show me a sign, any sign to let me know he understood. That he was at peace... that he forgave me. I was a basket case... I would work... come home, go to bed and cry. 2 days later... when I arrived home, my Mom told me I should look outside. In two days... where there had been no growth... in the middle of winter... there was a big beautiful pink rose. It's funny... in life, he always comforted me... always showed me unconditional love... in spirit... it continued and continues. He was also a HUGE force in renewing and defining my spirituality. He is still the guardian of my spirit and still reminds me to be filled with joy, enthusiasm and to enjoy the simple in life... and I am so grateful. So... yes, a celebration of love, life, spirit and connection. I'm guessing this is filled with typos and probably a bit scattered but I'm sure anyone who's lost their guardian/friend/familiar... you know how emotions can rush and feelings can be jolted... not at all bad, but ... yeah. They aren't "bad" tears... or feelings... just nostaligic... I miss him. Especailly today... his birthday was always an event. So... today remains an event... and there will be food and ice cream... silence, laughter, prayers and many thanks.
At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. - Albert Schweitzer
I've been making babies... well, that sounded a bit off. Faebies, actually and I'm nearly finished with my latest cherub cheeked Autumn Sunflower Faeby. I think one of the things I like about crafting is that I start with an idea and the outcome is usually a surprise. Kinda like life's journey... you make a guideline of what you want to manifest and create and find along the way that things fall into their own place and make their own art. Both are works in progress. I'm 36 and today I celebrate an anniversary. Today marks 10 years being single... and it is a Happy Anniversary. It didn't start out happy 10 years ago when I left a very abusive relationship and started, not knowing at the time, a relationship with myself. I was bitter and angry and feeling more than a little sorry for myself. It was very much like a death. and grieving. I should backtrack a bit... I have always known that I was gay and it was never an issue for me. Having said that, growing up in a small town - this isn't something that one really shares. To me, it just was a part of me, no more important than the color of my eyes or any other part of me - it just was. As a child and a teen, I always romanticized the idea of "love and relationship". It's something that I longed for deeply... well, as deeply as a 16 year old can imagine I suppose. It was strange seeing friends attend dances, date and couple when I didn't know anyone who was gay. It was a very difficult time. I had always been the one in my family and circle to make things go smoothly. I was very much one to try to make everyone happy and help. Of course, this wasn't healthy but it was a huge part of my identity at the time. When I did date... 3 times (ages 19, 22, and 24) which weren't so much dates as perhaps clinging to one another for the sake of being together - I spent a lot of time molding myself into what they saw as a "good partner". That thought, now, makes me cringe. I didn't really know who I was or perhaps I was afraid to find out or just completely oblivious... not really sure. I think it was probably a combination. The last relationship lasted just over 2 years and was probably one of the greatest gifts to happen in that it woke me up. I don't think there's so much anyone to blame and if so, it lie between both of us. Something just clicked in my head and heart. After leaving the relationship... I was bitter. In many ways, the grieving of the loss of the relationship occurred while we were together... small things which grew and intensified... like slowly dying. The relationship itself was dead before I left - if that makes sense? I was angry at myself for staying as long as I did, angry because I felt unappreciated, angry for the time and so much emotion... I just wanted to be alone. I withdrew, completely. I worked so much overtime and kept my hands busy so I wouldn't have time to think. I also used work as an excuse to distance myself from people and really turned to food for comfort and of course - gaining weight when you're already feeling low - well, not a good combo. I was angry for 3 years... and alone. It's funny how we can inflict the very thing on ourselves that we fear most. I began writing and things poured out... I had avoided writing for that fact... I knew the dam would break and I would have to do something. Comfort can be the biggest enemy to growing and I was so comfortable. I knew I wanted to make changes and for me, writing was the handle to open that door. I began to go out on road trips and made some spiritual connections. I delved further into my own beliefs and wrote more. I started to thaw... I wanted to live. I hadn't been living and I had an army of excuses that kept me company. I had no idea that 10 years ago, I would start a journey and marriage to myself, my spirit and finding that life wasn't about perfection or being something I wasn't or hiding my light. I didn't think that I would be okay with not being in a relationship... let alone be happy single for many years. I see it very much like a marriage... the first year is the toughest... compromises, changes, adapting... and finding a rhythm. I guess I'm happily married, hehehe - well, most days. :) Do I think of love and relationship... of course but it's not something I need. It's something I want one day and for all the right reasons... which are healthy. I'm not incomplete... I'm as complete as I can possible be and grow more a little each day. I would love an equal... a true partner... who I can share my light with and in turn be someone he can share his light with me. I always feel a bit uneasy when people say relationships are 50/50... I've always hoped for 100/100. Does that make sense? To bring your whole authentic self forward and have that returned in trust and non judgement. Unconditionally being loved and to have your love accepted. Tow people who appreciate one another, respect one another and celebrate each others differences as much as likeness. I see so many people together just to be together and it breaks my heart. So many people I know are partnered, married or coupled yet many have lost their identities and become this one entity where one, also by their choice, hides a deep part of themselves to remain in that place. Of course, these are my observations and my thoughts... and not something that I state. I'm very open and honest and I do fear that someone may ask pointedly my opinion but other than that... it's really not my stuff. It's not my place or journey and we all need to find our own truth.
So - yeah - I'm celebrating today. I'm spending time doing things that bring me great joy, laughter, connection and also taking time to really feel just how blessed I am. I'm grateful for all my lessons and am keeping myself open to lessons to come. Happy Anniversary.
Why Should I Love You? - Kate Bush
This chapter says "Put it out of your mind" Mmm, give it time.... The fine purple The purest gold The red of the Sacred Heart The grey of a ghost The "L" of the lips are open To the "O" of the Host The "V" of the velvet Of all of the people in the world Why should I love you? There's just something 'bout you There's just something 'bout you Of all the people in the world Why should I love you? Have you ever seen a picture Of Jesus laughing? Mmm, do you think He had a beautiful smile? A smile that healed Of all the people in the world Why should I love you? There's just something 'bout you There's just something 'bout you Of all the people in the world Why should I love you? Of all the people in the world Why should I love you? The fine purple The purest gold The red of the Sacred Heart The grey of a ghost The "L" of the lips are open To the "O" of the Host The "V" of the velvet The "E" of my eye The eye in wonder The eye that sees The "I" that loves you Of all the people in the world Why should I love you?
Ohhhh... where do the days go? My day 30 is following 29 several days late. Ever feel time is a bit wonky... definitely not linear? I snapped this photo on my lunch break, in the saftely of my car. It was the first time in a few days where I felt still. I've had moments on introspection and meditation but my mind's been full. In the past week, I've made some huge decsions... and things seems to be excelerating. Funny how that happens when you put it out to the universe, eh? Work has been a struggle. I'm very grateful to have a job that allows me the schedule I have and a salary that is competetive for the area I'm in. In the past, I've had commutes up to 3 hours - one way. There are things about my work that I love - the connection I have with my interpreters, the diversity and cultural richness and a few close bonds with colleages. Unfortunately, the difficult outweighs the good and has slowly taken it's toll on me. It's hard to be in a place that makes you feel so heavy and torn. I long for something that feeds my spirit and excites me... something that makes me feel I've accomplished something good at the end of the day. A reward that doesn't have a dollar sign, yet still allows me to live and be financially secure. I've revamped my resume and am scared, excited and confident that I will find something that fits. This decision makes way for the next message that came loud and clear. My relocation plans to Washington have moved up from 2009 to mid 2008. Washington feels like home to me. I have loved ones there and it just feels like home... had to explain. When I am there, it just feels right and when I leave... when I'm on the plane heading back to CA, I feel an odd sense of leaving home and going back to... the place where my job is... the place where I rent a house... the place that I am when I'm not "home". I don't know how else to explain it. I'm also worried about my Mom as it will be a huge change and though we've talked at length about it, there's a part of me that fears she won't be happy. Of course, there are those little voices of what if... and maybe this... or maybe that... It's a mixture of thoughts and emotions, though I do believe it will be a good move. It's funny how one thought... one fear... can become an army before the sun comes out. So... "stillness" has been present... but not always easy to touch.
I feel most alive in Autumn. October is my favorite month. It's gifted me with so many blessings... and there are so many layers to the month that speaks to me. The crisp weather... the changing season... the scents... colors... foliage... birthdays, anniversaries... so much. Now... I'm happy for cold sheets and pillows... my flickering "Life Purpose" candle and maybe a few moments of stillness. I'm happy... surprised and a little frightened (well, more than a little)... but indeed, happy and very blessed.
Butterfly On A Wheel - The Mission UK
Silver and gold and it's growing cold Autumn leaves lay as thick as thieves Shivers down your spine chill you to the bone 'Cos the mandolin wind is the melody that turns Your heart to stone The heat of your breath carving shadows on the mist Every angel has the wish that she's never been kissed A broken dream haunting in your sleep And hiding in your smile a secret you must keep Love cuts you deep Love breaks the wings of a butterfly on a wheel Love breaks the wings of a butterfly on a wheel There's no scarlet in you, lay your veil down for me As sure as God made wine, you can't wrap your arms Around a memory Take warmth from me, cold Autumn winds cut sharp as a knife And in the dark for me, you're the candle flame that Flickers to life Love breaks the wings of a butterlfy on a wheel Love will break the wings of a butterfly on a wheel Wise men say all is fair in love and war There's no right or wrong in the design of love And I could only watch as the wind crushed your wings Broken and torn crushed like the flower under the snow And like the flower in spring Love will rise again to heal your wings Love heals the wings of a butterfly on a wheel Love will heal the wings of a butterfly on a wheel
Taking the time to rest and and look inward... grateful to this sleepy little one in the sun for the reminder.
Listen to the Exhortation of the Dawn! Look to this Day! For it is Life, the very Life of Life. In its brief course lie all the Verities and Realities of your Existence. The Bliss of Growth, The Glory of Action, The Splendor of Beauty; For Yesterday is but a Dream, And To-morrow is only a Vision; But To-day well lived makes Every Yesterday a Dream of Happiness, And every Tomorrow a Vision of Hope. Look well therefore to this Day! Such is the Salutation of the Dawn! -Kalidasa
Both Sides Now - Judy Collins
Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air And feather canyons everywhere, I've looked at clouds that way But now they only block the sun they rain and snow on everyone So many things I would have done, but clouds got in my way
I've looked at clouds from both sides now From up and down and still somehow It's cloud's illusions I recall I really don't know clouds at all
Moons and Junes and ferris wheels the dizzy dancing way you feel As every fairy tale comes real, I've looked at love that way But now it's just another show, you leave 'em laughin when you go And if you care don't let them know, don't give yourself away
I've looked at love from both sides now From give and take and still somehow It's love's illusions I recall I really don't know love at all
Tears and fears and feeling proud, to say, "I love you" right out loud Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, I've looked at life that way But now old friends are acting strange they shake their heads, they say I've changed But something's lost but something's gained in living every day
I've looked at life from both sides now From win and lose and still somehow It's life's illusions I recall I really don't know life at all
When I think of the people in my life who love me, unconditionally, it overwhelms me. The past few days have been a bit of an emotional roller coaster and I'm so grateful for the hands of spirit that hold me up and the love of family. Tonight will just be simple and slow and quiet... and that is okay. The sweet tomatoes and luscious cheese was simple and making the balsamic reduction woke me and moved me in a softer place... and present. It's funny how in a rush or during a crisis how we can float on currents or responsibilities that need to be done that we forget the necessary things like eating or taking care of ourselves - taking care of our selves by nurturing our spirit... which for me, lets me know if I'm not and usually not in a subtle way...WAKE UP, SHUT UP AND TAKE ANOTHER LOOK. It's funny but not so much in a ha ha kinda way. I don't like complaining, sitting on the pity pot, or wallowing so there's not much else to do except... CHANGE IT. It's so not about comfort... So... moving toward a few changes earlier than expected yet being more patient with mysef when my first urge is to beat myself up. It's not about comfort... it's not about comfort...it's not about comfort
Everything - Alanis Morissette
I can be an asshole of the grandest kind I can withhold like it's going out of style I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone Who is as negative as I am sometimes I am the wisest woman you've ever met. I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected. I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen And you've never met anyone Who's as positive as I am sometimes. You see everything, you see every part You see all my light and you love my dark You dig everything of which I'm ashamed There's not anything to which you can't relate And you're still here I blame everyone else, not my own partaking My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating I'm terrified and mistrusting And you've never met anyone as, As closed down as I am sometimes. You see everything, you see every part You see all my light and you love my dark You dig everything of which I'm ashamed There's not anything to which you can't relate And you're still here What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go I'm the funniest woman that you've ever known I'm the dullest woman that you've ever known I'm the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known And you've never met anyone Who is as everything as I am sometimes You see everything (you see everything), you see every part (you see every part ) You see all my light (you see all my light) and you love my dark (and you love my dark ) You dig everything (you dig everything) of which I'm ashamed (of which I'm ashamed) There's not anything (there's not anything) to which you can't relate (to which you can't relate) And you're still here (You see everything, you see every part) And you're still here (You see all my light and you love my dark) And you're still here (You dig everything of which I'm ashamed) (There's not anything to which you can't relate) And you're still here...
The little old bird woman comes. In her own special way to the people she calls, "Come, buy my bags full of crumbs. Come feed the little birds, show them you care And you'll be glad if you do. Their young ones are hungry, Their nests are so bare; All it takes is tuppence from you." Feed the birds, tuppence a bag, Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag. "Feed the birds," that's what she cries, While overhead, her birds fill the skies. All around the cathedral the saints and apostles Look down as she sells her wares. Although you can't see it, you know they are smiling Each time someone shows that he cares. Though her words are simple and few, Listen, listen, she's calling to you: "Feed the birds, tuppence a bag, Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag." "Feed the birds, tuppence a bag"...
Going with the flow So, this morning a routine oil change went from $35 to $284 when I found I needed 2 new rear tires... eep. I'm just happy that I have it covered and a little left for any other surprise that may pop up. While waiting for the work to be done, I walked up and down the mall, something I rarely do. I am not crazy about shopping malls. I've never been one to subscribe to designer names or trends. I'm quite comfy in my jeans and tee shirt, usually from Costco or on a sale rack! So... really, there's not a lot in malls that make me go WHEEEEE... aside from the quat coffee caramel bomb that make me resemble a muppet on drugs! It was nice though, quiet Sunday morning... was actually kinda fun to my surprise. I snapped this photo of the carousel. I haven't been on one in ages and probably don't see myself on one anytimes soon - but it made me smile. I use to love the carousel when I was little... and seemed to be drawn to it anytime at the fair or amusement park. I guess the still draw me in and catch my attention. :)
Not at all how I remember it but always appreciated the twist...
Carousel - Siouxsie and the Banshees
You clamber up And look behind Their watchful eyes The helping hands A hen that's fierce And painted blue With red eyes Wants to swallow you A dragon dives and soars on tracks The hands that strap you to its back You turn around and look behind Their smiling eyes Won't help you down Their tiny hands Their tiny feet Such little hearts To miss a beat Grotesque dwarves in mirrored rooms Pulled and taut a thousand yous Staring back through stinging tears Remembering those funhouse thrills The paintbox tunes and wild balloons Their watchful eyes, you start to swoon Oh painted vile in lurid hue The snarling horse that waits for you Its motor whirrs and colours curl Inside your head the monsters whirl Its motor whirrs and colours curl Inside your head the monsters whirl In sucked out Time stood still Roundabout back Carousel Time stood still And you remember it well Carousel
I spent the day with my Mom doing some after holiday shopping and then a nice dinner at California Pizza Kitchen. We both had delicious pasta dishes and shared our joys and challenges of the past year. 
